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2025-03-02
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carvingAloe
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dizzyPolarity
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dizzyPolarity
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2025-02-03
small update:
im starting an internship at SOMATOFORM, working as an environment artist on radiant elusion! i might post a bit about what i make for it here, but it might also mean that i have less time to update this site. so heads up for that!
2025-02-02
ive been eating a lot of berries lately. raspberries are my favorite, they taste nice and go squish when i bite down on them
ive been eating a lot of dead rodents lately. field mice are my favorite, they taste nice and go squish when i bite down on them
im now oficially on a waiting list for- well, not for hrt. im on the 1-2 year waiting list to be allowed to have meetings, where we can discuss if i can be put on the 3-5 year waiting list for hrt
...the process for getting medical transition is slow. but still, im on a waiting list!
ive already been transitioning socially for a few years now, but i dont feel like ive really grown into myself. dont get me wrong -its helped leaps and bounds, i feel more like the person i want to be than i ever have. but theres so far yet to go. and so much of myself im still too scared to show to others
i have the urge to buy berries regularly. kind of always have, but never really bothered to act on it. too expensive, too far to walk to the store, too messy to eat regularly
i have the urge to go out late and scavenge regularly. kind of always have, but never dared to act on it. too difficult, too much to justify to myself, too embarassing to tell people
im hoping that ill wear my heart more on my sleeve now, if im to be starting hrt. if im going to get the body i want to have, then id like to become the person id like to be too. fully. ill kill my cringe instinct, get over my fear of expressing love for my friends, and not put on a facade to be more palatable to people who dont respect me in the first place. itll take a long time to do, but ive probably got at least half a decade on that waiting list anyway
a while ago, i just decided to start buying packs of berries. fuck it, if thats what i want then thats what i want. it takes time to walk to the store, but i have to get there somehow. and theres risks involved, i might rub my hands off and stain my clothes and not be able to get it out. but its me, its the food i want, its worth it!
a while ago, i just decided to call the gender identity team. fuck it, if thats what i want then thats what i want. it takes time to get through the waiting list, but i have to get my diagnosis somehow. and theres risks involved, i might be rejected by people around me and stain my reputation and not be able to talk to parts of my family. but its me, its the life i want, its worth it!a while ago, i just decided to start going out at night. fuck it, if thats what i want then thats what i want. it takes time for my eyes to adjust to the dark, but i have to see somehow. and theres risks involved, i might be run over by a human and stain my clothes and become roadkill. but its me, its the prey i want, its worth it!
2025-01-30
ive finally finished my grad assignment for school, and i keep trying not to look at the finished result.
i modeled this house from a game that never got made from a studio id never heard of, called onomatopeya. i found the art after scrolling through artstation and pinterest for about an hour, being bombarded with ai images even when the tag was -filtered out.
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when i finally found the concept, it didnt interest me, i had no passion for it. why would i make something like that?
for the past couple of months ive been browsing more old pages than usual; going on wiby a lot and hitting the surprise button. its a nice way to kill time, a short while ago i stumbled into a page dedicated to the bugs bunny show, for instance. youll almost always stumble into something that interests you, people who have deep passion for all kinds of things youd never even given much thought to. i found another website thats built up pages and pages of lore about tree octopi, which according to the site, are at risk of extinction from being hunted by their natural predator the sasquatch.
at about week 6 of working on the assignment, i burnt out harder than i ever have before. this assignment came after 2 practically identical assignments, both of which i poured more time and effort into than i have for nearly any art project. in neither of which had i made something that i was proud of. i dont look at the results from those either. i posted them where i was told to and then i was done. i dont want to see them again.
i tab into the bugs bunny page. the first line of text excluding a quote is Bugs Bunny personifies supreme heroism to generations of television viewers. He is the principal signature character for Warner Brothers animation and the beloved depiction of America's- and humanity's- aspirations to prevail over all difficulties and antagonists.
and instinctively i laugh. the page isnt very well formatted. im no expert, but there are big blocks of text abruptly split by images scattered left right and center with no apparent ordered structure. the content of the page stretches from end to end
i fill out the report document. i explain my temporary absence. i think about bugs bunny. i submit screenshots of textures, uv maps, wireframe. i think about the scattered images. i rename the pdf. i turn it in. i decide i dont want to look at the result of the assignment again.
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on the bugs bunny page. it kept going. paragraph after paragraph. and then episode summaries for half the length of the site. there was so much. someone cared about this so much.
someone was so interested in this,
someone was so passionate about this,
it is a genuine work of art.
i dont look at, but think about my grad assignment. my past 2 assignments. every assignment ive done for this school.
damn, i couldve been spending all that time writing about bugs bunny.